So yeah, she left me. Start of July. I am still completely floored by it. I have been affected by it in more ways than I would have thought possible. The biggest fear that I have, that I have carried since I can remember, of living and dying alone becomes closer to reality than I could have feared.

I'm done for the moment

There's a part of me slowly realising that I have backed myself up against a wall. I cannot find any way to continue my relationship with Fiona, I just can't get anything to work. But at the same time, I don't want to lose her. God Damnit, why did she need to be just as self conscious as me! I just want someone that I can be myself around, not the facade I put on around others. I want someone that I can curl up with and cry as they stroke my hair. I want to get to a point where I can look at her and know exactly what she's thinking. But how can I get to that point if she won't be alone with me? In the time that we have been dating, there has only been two or three situations where we have been alone for more than a few minutes. And they were all in the beginning. I feel as if she's slipping away, and there's nothing I can do about it. What can I do about it.

For your Entertainment,
M

Infatuation is an odd little quirk. How one minute we can be fine without the companionship of another, and the next, we hate to spend a minute apart. But what personally scares me the most; is the feeling mutual? It has been almost two months since the first date, and while we are technically "dating", nothing seems to have moved. I feel exactly the same nerves and anxieties as I did that first day. Have I just dreamed this connection up, or am I missing some crucial piece of the puzzle that will help me understand the situation I have gotten myself into. What am I to her? A toy, that can be picked up and played with for a while, then left alone for days, even months before I cross the mind again? Am I a little puppy, at her heels at all times, bordering on annoyance? I cannot say for sure.

Exams. Why, oh God why did I not put the time in earlier to study for these. It baffles me that every year, I have the same problems: The exam period arrives, and I have not managed to motivate myself to study for any time but the last few weeks, in an anxious cramming scrabble. While most of the time this seems to work fine, I get so horribly worked up about working that I begin to panic when I realize just how much work I have left to do. When I eventually come back to read this, I hope you know that it is far better to begin to do a little work early than to cram it all at the end. Thank the Gods that next year will be mostly project-based. Continuous Assessment is one of the better things about College.

As of the 19th of May, I will have been going out with Fiona for 2 months now, taking the first Date-ish thing as being the start. I honestly never thought I would ever get this far with any kind of Relationship. While we have not really progressed a huge amount, I believe that this is more to do with the timing of starting this. The exam run up is long and hard, and there has not been a huge amount of time to do anything. And while I still get the occasional thought that perhaps this is too good to be true, they are far and few between. The main panic has long past me by. I think I really have my friends to thank for that. Conor, and Eric especially, who were there to listen to me, and convince me that I was full of shite. Because of them, the only thing that I really have to worry about now (aside from passing second year) is where and when Fiona and I will meet up over the Summer. I honestly couldnt be more grateful to them than I am now.

On that subject, I can safely say that I wouldnt have gotten anywhere near this far without being dragged by most of my friends. Sci Fi has done so much for me, I know I wouldn't have gotten this far without most of em. All the people who were there to listen to my drunken bawling, and to offer advice on the matter. People like Luke and Niamh, who practically duck-taped Fiona and I together. Thomas, Peter and Conor, who offered opinions on where to take her on our First date. My Friends, thank you.

As always,
For Your Entertainment,
M

Last night, and up to about an hour ago, I thought that maybe I might be finally free of this crippling psychological hurt that seems to govern my every action. The newest girl that I have decided to unconsciously lock on to seems to like me as well. I even asked her about it drunkenly last night, but neither of us were sure how to go about it. She seems to suffer from the same crippling fears that I do.

I would like it to be known that I have managed to press send on the message asking her out. I had hoped that we could perhaps go to lunch this week, but it's been a few hours now, an I seem to have been ignored.  I honestly have no idea whether or not this is a intentional action. It could quite easily be the case that she simply has not checked Facebook yet. Strangely enough, this information does not seem to help me in the slightest. All of my fears have begun to return, and I have once again needed to pour some of the excess emotion into this blog. Honestly, it does help to type this all out. The likelihood  of anyone I know ever finding this blog, or realizing who I am, is pretty unlikely.

I opened up though in person as well. That was a hell of a lot harder. My would-be conspirator has been through a lot herself in recent months, so I found that my fears and troubles seemed to tumble out when we broached the subject. Quite honestly, I have still not decided whether or not this is something I am happy with. The idea that there are people out there that know my deepest and innermost fears scares me more than I would like. It's as if my very being is being paraded out for them to see. The persona that I have meticulously weaved to conceal my true self is slipping, the World may know how much of a coward I am.

Only time will tell.
For your entertainment,
M

I think my depression boils down to one key aspect: loneliness. I have found that anytime I am around friends I am fine, but as soon as I leave their presence, I seem to lapse back into the dark, murky depths of my deepest fears. Last night, as an example, a group of us had planned to play a game of Civilization 5 over the internet. I unfortunately lagged a significant amount until I lost the connection permanently. But I didn't lose the Skype call. I couldnt bring myself to end the call, so I instead listened to my friends playing without me on and off throughout the evening. Probably not my finest moment.

I always looked forward to going to college. It seemed like a great way of ridding yourself of old memories, making new friends, removing yourself of some old ones. But the longer I spend in College, the more new friends I make, the lonelier I feel.

I was out in the Student Bar with some of these new college friends on Thursday. Its a ritual that this group has come to have. Every year, new faces replace the old ones, but this time-honoured tradition had continued to endure. Of course, no one remembers who it was that initiated it, but it is a welcome retreat from the stresses of college work, and brings us all closer together.
On this night, I of course had one too many (as I seem to do more often than not now), and the conversation changed to the topic of relationships. Everyone had their 2 cents worth to add, but while I appreciated their enthusiasm and the thought, none of them really made me feel any better. When it came right down to it, I was still alone and afraid of the future, while they all seemed to have at least experienced a taste of what I craved.

My current closest friend does not seem to understand this either. Whenever I bring the topic up with him, he always gives the same advice: to get with one of the girls in our year (who is lovely, but I have no attraction to her). But I don't want a cheap fling, I desire the closeness that he shares with his girlfriend, the journey to whom I had to endure for months on end.

But my weakness has cost me dearly. In revealing my inner fears, I have allowed myself to become the source of ridicule. The same girlfriend made a joke last night about how "I would never get any". Of course, it was made in jest, and I understand that, but I can never and will never see the funny side of that.

I don't feel like writing anything else today

Feeling a little better tonight now after yesterday evening. I realised that I never actually got to the point of what happened to me last night. In truth, there was not a thing I could have done about it this time. The girl that I had planned to ask out this week, Maddy, turned out to be in a strange kind of relationship with one of the other guys that my group of friends seems to hang out with, though not as often this year, it seems. From what I can gather, the two of them are not in a proper relationship per se, but are more like Sex Buddies. As a virgin, this is not something I can compete with. At all. And that hurt. More than I thought it would.

But I think I'm okay with it now. Things have certainly moved on from that first time in Sixth Year. It is not the only time though that I have tried since. Last year, I joined the Rifle Club here in College. It was something that I had always really looked forward to doing when I actually got to 3rd Level, my Dad had always sung its praises. I managed to show a bit of skill handling the Air Rifles, and I was given a place on the Novice Squad, which would compete later in the Year against one of our Rival Colleges.

It was some time after Christmas that one of the other members of the Squad managed to find the time to get down to the weekly training sessions. Her name was Aoife, and everything about her seemed perfect. She was smart, funny, and had this bubbly personality that made me forget all my troubles. Being the Beta Male that I am, I was never able to work up the courage to do anything, but on the Colours Trip, we both got very drunk, and things almost happened. I stress the almost part of that sentence, I think there may have been too much alcohol consumed by both parties, since she spoke French the entire night, and I could barely stand. But after that, we started texting. Nothing particularly big, just a little bit of finding out about each other, a little bit of harmless flirting i thought. But when I managed to work up the courage to actually act on my feelings, the moment had passed. The spark that may have been there had guttered out, leaving a little embarrassment with both of us. The texting kinda stopped after that failed attempt, and has since never happened again. I'd like to blame something else, or someone else in this instance, but I'm sure that if I had acted earlier, I would have gotten a better response from her. I hope.

The Beginning

In 19 Years of Life, I have never been able to get the girl without the aid of copious amounts of alcohol, the egging on of my friends, and the girl coming on to me right from the start. I mean, sure, I've fought the good fight. I asked my crush to the Debutante Ball in my Final Year of School before College. That was a mistake. But I recovered. It took more time than I had wished, but I came to a point where I could talk to her again without moving into that small part of me where I hoped I could't be harmed. But the day in question, the day where I had hoped a new chapter of my life would begin, still remains burned into my memory.

It was a Thursday, just a week or two before Christmas. That evening, we were to have the Carol Service in which the Senior Side of the School took part. As I was part of the main Choir in my school at the time, I would be taking part, and I was quite looking forward to it.

During our Lunch Break, I was coming out of the dining hall, when I was pulled into the Guidance Councillor's Ante room by a friend of mine. The room was furnished nicely, and the Sixth Years were able to peruse College Prospectuses, and use the Computers there to research courses. During Lunch, people used to gather in there as it was cosy and more private. The group currently in there turned out to be discussing dates for the Debs, which wasn't until the beginning of the Autumn, but Tickets were due to be bought in the upcoming months.

Of course, I had not realized that my crush on Yvonne was obvious to everyone save myself. When I entered the room, the door was locked behind me, and I was bombarded with questions on when I would ask her to go with me. Having not expected to need to ask her until the Summer, this really threw me off guard. In the end, after badgering me for a good few minutes, I agreed that I would do it sooner rather than later.

That evening, I took the dive. I can honestly say that I have never had to pluck up so much courage, it was one of the harder things that I've ever had to do. But the courage that I had to find to walk away with a straight face and back was harder still. The determination that I had carried through from the encounter that afternoon evaporated instantly, leaving a hole in its place. A dark, endless hole, that grabbed what little self confidence I had left, along with all happy feelings, which took weeks to climb out.

I would like to say that it was only a small thing, more of an affection than an obsession. But I can't. My feeling for her had blossomed over the course of a few years. She was one of the few female friends that I had, and the closest of them all. Looking back, I see that I have tried to demonize her. To remove alll affection, I have tried to convince myself that she wasn't anything special. That she was Arrogant. And proud. That the two of us would never have been compatible. I even met up with her one day to get her to help me with what was my current target at the time, as a peace offering of some kind.

Two Years on from that Incident, I still can't remove it from my mind. Sometimes it haunts me when I fall asleep, and I desperately retrace my steps in time, making any and all changes to the plan that failed. But all roads lead to the same destination eventually. The whole thing was doomed from the moment I met her.

For Your Entertainment,
M