I always looked forward to going to college. It seemed like a great way of ridding yourself of old memories, making new friends, removing yourself of some old ones. But the longer I spend in College, the more new friends I make, the lonelier I feel.

I was out in the Student Bar with some of these new college friends on Thursday. Its a ritual that this group has come to have. Every year, new faces replace the old ones, but this time-honoured tradition had continued to endure. Of course, no one remembers who it was that initiated it, but it is a welcome retreat from the stresses of college work, and brings us all closer together.
On this night, I of course had one too many (as I seem to do more often than not now), and the conversation changed to the topic of relationships. Everyone had their 2 cents worth to add, but while I appreciated their enthusiasm and the thought, none of them really made me feel any better. When it came right down to it, I was still alone and afraid of the future, while they all seemed to have at least experienced a taste of what I craved.

My current closest friend does not seem to understand this either. Whenever I bring the topic up with him, he always gives the same advice: to get with one of the girls in our year (who is lovely, but I have no attraction to her). But I don't want a cheap fling, I desire the closeness that he shares with his girlfriend, the journey to whom I had to endure for months on end.

But my weakness has cost me dearly. In revealing my inner fears, I have allowed myself to become the source of ridicule. The same girlfriend made a joke last night about how "I would never get any". Of course, it was made in jest, and I understand that, but I can never and will never see the funny side of that.

I don't feel like writing anything else today