The Beginning

In 19 Years of Life, I have never been able to get the girl without the aid of copious amounts of alcohol, the egging on of my friends, and the girl coming on to me right from the start. I mean, sure, I've fought the good fight. I asked my crush to the Debutante Ball in my Final Year of School before College. That was a mistake. But I recovered. It took more time than I had wished, but I came to a point where I could talk to her again without moving into that small part of me where I hoped I could't be harmed. But the day in question, the day where I had hoped a new chapter of my life would begin, still remains burned into my memory.

It was a Thursday, just a week or two before Christmas. That evening, we were to have the Carol Service in which the Senior Side of the School took part. As I was part of the main Choir in my school at the time, I would be taking part, and I was quite looking forward to it.

During our Lunch Break, I was coming out of the dining hall, when I was pulled into the Guidance Councillor's Ante room by a friend of mine. The room was furnished nicely, and the Sixth Years were able to peruse College Prospectuses, and use the Computers there to research courses. During Lunch, people used to gather in there as it was cosy and more private. The group currently in there turned out to be discussing dates for the Debs, which wasn't until the beginning of the Autumn, but Tickets were due to be bought in the upcoming months.

Of course, I had not realized that my crush on Yvonne was obvious to everyone save myself. When I entered the room, the door was locked behind me, and I was bombarded with questions on when I would ask her to go with me. Having not expected to need to ask her until the Summer, this really threw me off guard. In the end, after badgering me for a good few minutes, I agreed that I would do it sooner rather than later.

That evening, I took the dive. I can honestly say that I have never had to pluck up so much courage, it was one of the harder things that I've ever had to do. But the courage that I had to find to walk away with a straight face and back was harder still. The determination that I had carried through from the encounter that afternoon evaporated instantly, leaving a hole in its place. A dark, endless hole, that grabbed what little self confidence I had left, along with all happy feelings, which took weeks to climb out.

I would like to say that it was only a small thing, more of an affection than an obsession. But I can't. My feeling for her had blossomed over the course of a few years. She was one of the few female friends that I had, and the closest of them all. Looking back, I see that I have tried to demonize her. To remove alll affection, I have tried to convince myself that she wasn't anything special. That she was Arrogant. And proud. That the two of us would never have been compatible. I even met up with her one day to get her to help me with what was my current target at the time, as a peace offering of some kind.

Two Years on from that Incident, I still can't remove it from my mind. Sometimes it haunts me when I fall asleep, and I desperately retrace my steps in time, making any and all changes to the plan that failed. But all roads lead to the same destination eventually. The whole thing was doomed from the moment I met her.

For Your Entertainment,
M