I think my depression boils down to one key aspect: loneliness. I have found that anytime I am around friends I am fine, but as soon as I leave their presence, I seem to lapse back into the dark, murky depths of my deepest fears. Last night, as an example, a group of us had planned to play a game of Civilization 5 over the internet. I unfortunately lagged a significant amount until I lost the connection permanently. But I didn't lose the Skype call. I couldnt bring myself to end the call, so I instead listened to my friends playing without me on and off throughout the evening. Probably not my finest moment.

I always looked forward to going to college. It seemed like a great way of ridding yourself of old memories, making new friends, removing yourself of some old ones. But the longer I spend in College, the more new friends I make, the lonelier I feel.

I was out in the Student Bar with some of these new college friends on Thursday. Its a ritual that this group has come to have. Every year, new faces replace the old ones, but this time-honoured tradition had continued to endure. Of course, no one remembers who it was that initiated it, but it is a welcome retreat from the stresses of college work, and brings us all closer together.
On this night, I of course had one too many (as I seem to do more often than not now), and the conversation changed to the topic of relationships. Everyone had their 2 cents worth to add, but while I appreciated their enthusiasm and the thought, none of them really made me feel any better. When it came right down to it, I was still alone and afraid of the future, while they all seemed to have at least experienced a taste of what I craved.

My current closest friend does not seem to understand this either. Whenever I bring the topic up with him, he always gives the same advice: to get with one of the girls in our year (who is lovely, but I have no attraction to her). But I don't want a cheap fling, I desire the closeness that he shares with his girlfriend, the journey to whom I had to endure for months on end.

But my weakness has cost me dearly. In revealing my inner fears, I have allowed myself to become the source of ridicule. The same girlfriend made a joke last night about how "I would never get any". Of course, it was made in jest, and I understand that, but I can never and will never see the funny side of that.

I don't feel like writing anything else today

Feeling a little better tonight now after yesterday evening. I realised that I never actually got to the point of what happened to me last night. In truth, there was not a thing I could have done about it this time. The girl that I had planned to ask out this week, Maddy, turned out to be in a strange kind of relationship with one of the other guys that my group of friends seems to hang out with, though not as often this year, it seems. From what I can gather, the two of them are not in a proper relationship per se, but are more like Sex Buddies. As a virgin, this is not something I can compete with. At all. And that hurt. More than I thought it would.

But I think I'm okay with it now. Things have certainly moved on from that first time in Sixth Year. It is not the only time though that I have tried since. Last year, I joined the Rifle Club here in College. It was something that I had always really looked forward to doing when I actually got to 3rd Level, my Dad had always sung its praises. I managed to show a bit of skill handling the Air Rifles, and I was given a place on the Novice Squad, which would compete later in the Year against one of our Rival Colleges.

It was some time after Christmas that one of the other members of the Squad managed to find the time to get down to the weekly training sessions. Her name was Aoife, and everything about her seemed perfect. She was smart, funny, and had this bubbly personality that made me forget all my troubles. Being the Beta Male that I am, I was never able to work up the courage to do anything, but on the Colours Trip, we both got very drunk, and things almost happened. I stress the almost part of that sentence, I think there may have been too much alcohol consumed by both parties, since she spoke French the entire night, and I could barely stand. But after that, we started texting. Nothing particularly big, just a little bit of finding out about each other, a little bit of harmless flirting i thought. But when I managed to work up the courage to actually act on my feelings, the moment had passed. The spark that may have been there had guttered out, leaving a little embarrassment with both of us. The texting kinda stopped after that failed attempt, and has since never happened again. I'd like to blame something else, or someone else in this instance, but I'm sure that if I had acted earlier, I would have gotten a better response from her. I hope.

The Beginning

In 19 Years of Life, I have never been able to get the girl without the aid of copious amounts of alcohol, the egging on of my friends, and the girl coming on to me right from the start. I mean, sure, I've fought the good fight. I asked my crush to the Debutante Ball in my Final Year of School before College. That was a mistake. But I recovered. It took more time than I had wished, but I came to a point where I could talk to her again without moving into that small part of me where I hoped I could't be harmed. But the day in question, the day where I had hoped a new chapter of my life would begin, still remains burned into my memory.

It was a Thursday, just a week or two before Christmas. That evening, we were to have the Carol Service in which the Senior Side of the School took part. As I was part of the main Choir in my school at the time, I would be taking part, and I was quite looking forward to it.

During our Lunch Break, I was coming out of the dining hall, when I was pulled into the Guidance Councillor's Ante room by a friend of mine. The room was furnished nicely, and the Sixth Years were able to peruse College Prospectuses, and use the Computers there to research courses. During Lunch, people used to gather in there as it was cosy and more private. The group currently in there turned out to be discussing dates for the Debs, which wasn't until the beginning of the Autumn, but Tickets were due to be bought in the upcoming months.

Of course, I had not realized that my crush on Yvonne was obvious to everyone save myself. When I entered the room, the door was locked behind me, and I was bombarded with questions on when I would ask her to go with me. Having not expected to need to ask her until the Summer, this really threw me off guard. In the end, after badgering me for a good few minutes, I agreed that I would do it sooner rather than later.

That evening, I took the dive. I can honestly say that I have never had to pluck up so much courage, it was one of the harder things that I've ever had to do. But the courage that I had to find to walk away with a straight face and back was harder still. The determination that I had carried through from the encounter that afternoon evaporated instantly, leaving a hole in its place. A dark, endless hole, that grabbed what little self confidence I had left, along with all happy feelings, which took weeks to climb out.

I would like to say that it was only a small thing, more of an affection than an obsession. But I can't. My feeling for her had blossomed over the course of a few years. She was one of the few female friends that I had, and the closest of them all. Looking back, I see that I have tried to demonize her. To remove alll affection, I have tried to convince myself that she wasn't anything special. That she was Arrogant. And proud. That the two of us would never have been compatible. I even met up with her one day to get her to help me with what was my current target at the time, as a peace offering of some kind.

Two Years on from that Incident, I still can't remove it from my mind. Sometimes it haunts me when I fall asleep, and I desperately retrace my steps in time, making any and all changes to the plan that failed. But all roads lead to the same destination eventually. The whole thing was doomed from the moment I met her.

For Your Entertainment,
M