I really don't have anyone that I'm happy to just talk to. Everything is an effort, which I would not be willing to make without College. This last week, having ended exams early due to a couple reasons I'm not going to start into, I've seen how I went from a relatively sociable person, to a gremlin, hiding away in his room, pretending the world outside doesn't exist. This week, I've blitzed through two animes, brought myself up to date with Arrow (I was a good two seasons behind), and have rarely gotten dressed, aside from the occasions where I needed to leave the house.
It's not that I don't want to be sociable, its almost as if I don't know how to. I've missed out on making those personal connections my counsellor tells me I'm obsessed with.The true, good friends I thought I had have either drifted away in other directions, or turned around and slapped me in the face with a sudden change in demeanour towards me. And now, I don't know how to interact in a way with people that won't cause this to happen again.
This "obsession" has cost me two good relationships. I'm not able to take another person telling me that "they don't actually like me as much as they originally thought they did", but I'm so desperately alone, I just collapse on the next person to show the slightest interest in me, and the cycle continues.
My mind goes to a dark place sometimes. There are days where I'm not the definition of a healthy young adult, but I can cope with it all. And then there are others where I consider alternatives to coping. Look at me. Writing a fucking blog post that no one reads, let alone people I know, and I can't just say it. I often have thoughts about ending my life. Not in the "take a few pills to spite Mum" kinda way, I spend hours agonizing over what would be the fastest and easiest way to do it. I can tell you why it is you should slit your wrists lengthways rather than just straight across. I can tell you that pills can take you hours to die.
This "obsession" has cost me two good relationships. I'm not able to take another person telling me that "they don't actually like me as much as they originally thought they did", but I'm so desperately alone, I just collapse on the next person to show the slightest interest in me, and the cycle continues.
My mind goes to a dark place sometimes. There are days where I'm not the definition of a healthy young adult, but I can cope with it all. And then there are others where I consider alternatives to coping. Look at me. Writing a fucking blog post that no one reads, let alone people I know, and I can't just say it. I often have thoughts about ending my life. Not in the "take a few pills to spite Mum" kinda way, I spend hours agonizing over what would be the fastest and easiest way to do it. I can tell you why it is you should slit your wrists lengthways rather than just straight across. I can tell you that pills can take you hours to die.
One of the few things that keeps me going is the fear that by ending my life in this way, I might cause my siblings to experience similar emotions. But there's this fear in me that one day, this weight will be so unbearable that I'll act without thinking. I'm not afraid of death, I'm worried about the effect it'll have on those close to me, if you can really call them close. A few acquaintances are privy to some of my mumblings, but no one really knows the full extent of the rot that has infected me. And while many have expressed their willingness to listen, I still can't bring myself to fill them in. I would prefer to forget about that dark place, to pretend that it doesn't exist for an hour or two, only to be pulled back into its clutches when I am once again alone.
Writing this is a little helpful. I might try to update more often.
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