There's a part of me slowly realising that I have backed myself up against a wall. I cannot find any way to continue my relationship with Fiona, I just can't get anything to work. But at the same time, I don't want to lose her. God Damnit, why did she need to be just as self conscious as me! I just want someone that I can be myself around, not the facade I put on around others. I want someone that I can curl up with and cry as they stroke my hair. I want to get to a point where I can look at her and know exactly what she's thinking. But how can I get to that point if she won't be alone with me? In the time that we have been dating, there has only been two or three situations where we have been alone for more than a few minutes. And they were all in the beginning. I feel as if she's slipping away, and there's nothing I can do about it. What can I do about it.

For your Entertainment,
M

Infatuation is an odd little quirk. How one minute we can be fine without the companionship of another, and the next, we hate to spend a minute apart. But what personally scares me the most; is the feeling mutual? It has been almost two months since the first date, and while we are technically "dating", nothing seems to have moved. I feel exactly the same nerves and anxieties as I did that first day. Have I just dreamed this connection up, or am I missing some crucial piece of the puzzle that will help me understand the situation I have gotten myself into. What am I to her? A toy, that can be picked up and played with for a while, then left alone for days, even months before I cross the mind again? Am I a little puppy, at her heels at all times, bordering on annoyance? I cannot say for sure.

Exams. Why, oh God why did I not put the time in earlier to study for these. It baffles me that every year, I have the same problems: The exam period arrives, and I have not managed to motivate myself to study for any time but the last few weeks, in an anxious cramming scrabble. While most of the time this seems to work fine, I get so horribly worked up about working that I begin to panic when I realize just how much work I have left to do. When I eventually come back to read this, I hope you know that it is far better to begin to do a little work early than to cram it all at the end. Thank the Gods that next year will be mostly project-based. Continuous Assessment is one of the better things about College.

As of the 19th of May, I will have been going out with Fiona for 2 months now, taking the first Date-ish thing as being the start. I honestly never thought I would ever get this far with any kind of Relationship. While we have not really progressed a huge amount, I believe that this is more to do with the timing of starting this. The exam run up is long and hard, and there has not been a huge amount of time to do anything. And while I still get the occasional thought that perhaps this is too good to be true, they are far and few between. The main panic has long past me by. I think I really have my friends to thank for that. Conor, and Eric especially, who were there to listen to me, and convince me that I was full of shite. Because of them, the only thing that I really have to worry about now (aside from passing second year) is where and when Fiona and I will meet up over the Summer. I honestly couldnt be more grateful to them than I am now.

On that subject, I can safely say that I wouldnt have gotten anywhere near this far without being dragged by most of my friends. Sci Fi has done so much for me, I know I wouldn't have gotten this far without most of em. All the people who were there to listen to my drunken bawling, and to offer advice on the matter. People like Luke and Niamh, who practically duck-taped Fiona and I together. Thomas, Peter and Conor, who offered opinions on where to take her on our First date. My Friends, thank you.

As always,
For Your Entertainment,
M